05 May 2009

To die... would be an awfully big adventure

Sobs followed by red sore eyes and a heavy heart.

Where do we go when we die? Do we go anywhere? What happens... When WE DIE.

There is only life because there is death. This is the way it has been and it will remain so. The cycle, they call it. I call it just.
My beliefs come into question when I think about the afterlife, if there is one. If you are affiliated with one religion or another, you are taught some sense of an after life: paradise, heaven, you name it. Something better than what's down here. Well, I tell you, I don't know if I believe in all that. In order to believe in that, you have to believe in some sort of God and I don't.

A black book... the bible.

It tells us to always be our best, for the end times are near. I've always thought it just meant to always be your best because that was the way to live life to the fullest. If someone needs a big black book to tell them to do that, then so be it.
Many bible stories tell "parables" to encourage good and righteous behavior. We think we're getting some big reward at the end if we do. I think it's just a way to make life a little better and a little bit safer. Is that not what we all want? I surely know that I do.

How do others find their faith and I lose mine? Was it a choice we both made? Did I decide one night that I was not going to believe in God? Why yes, I did.

One late night, sitting in my room at Primary Children's Behavioral Center, I made a decision. I was not going to believe in a God that would allow me to be burdened with such "evil spirits". I was thirteen years old. It was a choice that I made alone. No one pulled me one way or the other. Please understand, it was not an easy choice to make. My whole family had been raised in a very good, upstanding LDS household and I knew what it meant to lose one's faith. At the worst, exile. However, my family respected my decision to disbelieve. They welcomed my choice, but did not join in.

Six years have passed.

Slowly.

Here I am now, carrying my load of troubles and woes, writing to you to see that I don't have all the answers. I may act like a big girl on the outside but inside I'm scared of what lies beyond. I can't relax and believe that we just die. It makes perfect sense to me, but gives me no sense of comfort. The exact opposite, in fact.

I was so close to death.

I wanted it. I longed for its icy grip and dark finality. If only I could escape this world. If only there was something - someone waiting for me on the other side of the veil. It would be so easy. But now...

Now, when my life is a mix of endless questions; the one that bothers me the most is if I die, where will I go? What will happen to my family and friends? Who decides who gets to die?

As a humanist, I believe that everyone, every single human being has the power in themselves to choose their own fate. However, it is NOT for us to decide that fate for someone else. I would never want it to be decided for me, especially since I still have so many questions. When I see death, it reminds me everytime of what I don't know, what I long to see.

I reexamine. One step forward, two steps back.

I can't dance to this tune anymore, and I'm getting tired of the unknown.

I suppose you can't have it both ways. One cannot decide to have no God, but long for one when she dies.

I die.
-a thousand times-
I cry.

1 comment:

Brittney said...

Whether you believe I will be or not. I will be waiting for you on the other side. I promise.